Keep The Focus On Yourself

Colleague Ruth Ann Harnisch shared some great words of wisdom recently in a post called U Do U.  She reminded me of one of my favorite book titles “What You Think of Me is None of My Business” by Terry Cole Whittaker.  It’s also one of my favorite mantras. 

It’s been a difficult one to master, for sure.  For me I think it’s because early conditioning followed by nursing, my foundational learning and career, caused me to be really confused at a young age about what “caring” means. Focusing on myself was selfish and to be avoided – until I finally learned the ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’ principle.  Clearly a depleted human has little to give, whereas one who is full to overflowing, fulfilled, has lots to contribute.  Caring from that place is a lot richer.

Lawyering – the ‘you’ve come to me because I know better than you about this matter’ training further distorted the definition into “I care, therefore I must tell you [advise] what to do.’ For the most part that worked, but it wasn’t very satisfying.  Would much rather see people empower themselves and avoid legal (and other) problems!  

Fortunately, coach training certainly helped change both those viewpoints.  There is only so much I can do to begin with.  Secondly, you’re the only one who can actually change your life – and I get to revel vicariously in your victories! I can be of service, but even in service others have to exercise some self-help and accept what you have to offer – or not.  It’s their choice always, and there’s not much I can do about their choices.  I can listen, lend support, provide ideas, and give feedback, but the choices and actions someone takes after that (as well as the consequences) are theirs alone. And I can “want for” your greatness.  Which I definitely DO!  Playing small doesn’t do you or the world much good.

So, I care about you without wanting to change you (though I’m willing to help if you want it -and it can be on your terms, not mine, I’m more than okay with that – even if I’d have chosen a different result).  I didn’t create this universe and I’m not running it, so often the result WILL be something other than what I had in mind – ah, the multitude of possibilities.  And that’s not only okay, actually it’s good.  And it reminds me that the point of power for myself is within me – how I shape my own attitudes, perceptions and choices.  What I let in and what I keep out.  True for us ALL.

And I can care what you think without feeling like it’s a mandate to change myself if you think differently or don’t agree with my choices.   But that’s not how I’ve had it wired up most of my life.  Thank God we don’t learn less.

That mantra “what you think of me is none of my business” puts it all in perspective, along with its corollary – what I think of you is none of your business.  Sounds kind of callous, but maybe it’s really the best kind of caring … What we think about is our business.  And it’s good to focus on what we’re thinking about, and what we’d prefer to be thinking about – because THAT is the place from which we create!!

How would your life be different if you kept the focus on yourself, worked on your own fulfilment, chose to be happy (as opposed to any other feeling you indulge from time to time), and gave back from a place of feeling fully contented with your life (no matter what anyone else said or did)?  If you want help with that, let me know.  I’ve been around that block and am happy to help you choose what you want from your own array of possibilities.  That orientation for service is the best way I can demonstrate I care.

Wishing you the best – however YOU define that.  Cheers, Dolly

Protecting Our Future

The children are our future, the popular song tells us.  But as the fabulous Riane Eisler so accurately points out, why then do we pay our child care workers less than $10 per hour?  Where are our values really? Because that is where our money goes.  And isn’t it so often that our money goes out to pay for convenience? 

The pride of do it yourself, of crafting something by hand, and of eschewing waste with re-use, refurbishing or re-purposing has gone out the window with do more faster and even better, have someone else do it for you.  With just about everything.  When was the last time you grew your own food or churned your own butter – like so many did not too many generations ago?  When was the last time you bought your food from someone who still does these things, as opposed to from a more convenient factory farm to big box store arrangement …?  Heck, when was the last time you cooked your own meal — from scratch without opening any pre-mixed packages?

Two words come to my mind whenever I think about the future: clean and renewable.  Of course, I speak of energy production because it is the one thing behind our culture of convenience that seems the most at odds with my version of the future as an environmental activist – a truly healthy planet.  What if we all valued that a bit more and were a bit more concerned about how healthy the planet is that we WILL be leaving our children? 

How would what you do have to change?  Because it WILL take all of us.  This isn’t just about the utility companies or the government making decisions and changes to better our lives.  After all folks, we are the government and we are the utility companies as well as all the other businesses we patronize.  As Walt Kelly put it so well: “We have met the enemy … and he is us.”

How’s that you say?  Well, at least here in the U.S., we have the right and opportunity to vote the bozos in or vote the bozos out – or participate as one of them by being involved in government at any level.  That includes everything from writing to or calling your local, state and federal representatives all the way to, if you were born here, being the president (otherwise, the governor of some great state).  Isn’t that what we teach our children – that you, too, dear Johnny or Jayne, can grow up to be president of these United States? 

And you know that “market” they are always talking about?  Right again – that’s us, too.  We can vote with our dollars.  Instead of getting the lowest prices for the most amount of stuff, how about we cut back a little and maybe pay a little more for one or two items of higher quality: organic produce or fair trade clothing made from natural fibers not produced in some sweat shop overseas?  Can you say more with less?  And then how about using and reusing those items and making them go as far as we possibly can before they become disposable? Or even running our businesses in a more socially responsible way …?

(I’m thinking here of my dear husband, whose brimmed cotton canvas bucket hats become compass covers – he works on boats – when they no longer protect his lovely cranium … and then the shreds of what’s left of that natural cotton can be recycled.)

In my mind, we’ll have to gear up considerably to begin mastering alternative energy production methods that are, well … clean and renewable.  But I for one, think we are up to the task.  We, the voters and the market.  We will have to return to playing the role of citizens and conservationists, rather than consumers.  We have plenty of history and plenty of role models to teach us how … and we have technology to help.  At least until the oil runs out (if we don’t do something soon about that because we are really fouling this beautiful planet with what remains of the remains of dead dinosaurs).

If greenhouse gases – like auto exhaust and that from factory smoke stacks full of carbon dioxide and all the other chemicals we spew into the atmosphere – were a color rather than invisible, I think more people would notice and be appalled.  Hey, what if it looked like what’s spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the Deepwater Horizon oil rig and killing the marine life that will end up in our food chain?  (Oh, and not to leave out the children … their food chain too, since these toxics persist and are multiplied as big fish and big bird eat little fish …)

Well, if you’ve got the picture now … here’s the good news.

We can return quickly to being citizens and conservationists - proud contributors and preservationists – with just a little added consciousness (and conscientiousness).  Along with clean and renewable, I’d simply ask that you add these words to your daily vocabulary as you exercise greater awareness about every thought and every action you take, every moment of every day.  I full well know that while simple, this level of consciousness is not easy to master in practice.  So that’s why it becomes a practice. And that practice can become a movement.

While they may sound like small things, even seemingly insignificant (“who am I, I’m just one little guy”), these things all add up.  Shifting to this way of being and doing is actually a BIG job if you’ve ever tried it.  None of us will be perfect at it, but if you do it best as you can each step of the way with your life and work, and all the other people in government and industry do it best as they can each step of the way in their lives and work, or at least enough of us get it going so others can catch on and join in, then things can change significantly for the better.  And quickly … exponentially.

Then, if we use the intelligence and technology we have to focus on the production of clean and renewable energy sources, then we can be living in harmony with the planet thereby truly protecting our future.  (And no, nuclear is not among them until we can get beyond nuclear fission to nuclear fusion … and I think we can, eventually, if we’re consciously focused on that … but that’s much longer term, down the line.)

We’re at a point in a new era where this shift can happen.  It must happen.  As aptly noted recently by Maldives President Mohamed Nasheed, at the EEPC India, Export Award Presentation Function, we did not leave the stone age because we ran out of stones …

Another great quote further illustrates:

“Memo to oil apologists: When VHS supplanted Betamax, nobody shed a tear.  When word processing software replaced typewriters, nobody shrieked about a socialist revolution in the steno pool.  And when the jet engine replaced the propeller, there were no protests on the Mall in Washington about a vast supersonic conspiracy. Face it: Technology changes.  And the petroleum-based economy is dead. It’s built on antiquated technology that’s killing us and our planet.  Oil has served its purpose.  It was great while it lasted, at it got us to a point where we have the industrial and technological wherewhithal to chart a new course.  But we’re no longer primitives who need animal fat to light our evening meditations, or chase away evil spirits.”  ~ Martin Luz in HuffingtonPost.com

Indeed, the universe has been beautifully set up for us humans by putting the biggest nuclear reactor we’ll ever need perfectly positioned at the center of our solar system, which in my humble opinion at about 93,000 million miles away, is about as close to nuclear technology as we humans need to be at this stage in our evolution.  But beautifully, that sun-reactor shines on this planet all day every day.  All we have to do is rotate around and collect it, store it and share it. And the rotating is already being done for us! (Think about how big that part of the job would be if we had to do it …)

With the brilliant minds of our leaders in technology and elsewhere, this is totally doable.  Just ask the children who draw pictures of this concept every day in grade schools around the world, and who are learning how to play nicely in the sandbox with others and to share their toys (then pass them down to the younger kids …).  That sunshine is in everything we know as life that is on the planet today.  It is begging us to be more consciously engaged with it.

And so is the earth.  Since we cannot see the dinofuels we’ve gassified and put into the atmosphere, it is now giving us a glimpse of what we’re doing by pumping millions of gallons of pure black crude into our oceans (and we have underwater cameras so we can watch it happen with full awareness).  I say oceans rather that Gulf of Mexico here because in their fluid state, the tar balls that have been put into circulation can now go everywhere on the planet to be cleaned up by everyone – after we focus on the massive efforts needed currently on the U.S. Gulf Coast.

What’s one thing you can do each day to make a positive difference and help return us to a world that’s clean and renewable?  Whatever you do will be your contribution to protecting our future.  And whatever it is, it is a valuable contribution.

Blessings for your efforts, Dolly

What are your Memorial Day plans?

Memorial Day in the U.S. is upon us again. Thought of as the holiday that ushers in the end of school and the beginning of summer, it is so much more than that. Memorial Day is also a very special day in my family.

The holiday, originally May 30 of each year, was set aside as a day of remembrance for those who have died in the service of our country and its ideals of freedom. Congress passed the National Holiday Act of 1971, which moved the holiday to the last Monday in May and created the three-day weekend form of the holiday.  That simple change in structure caused it to shift from a day of remembrance to the official first weekend of summer fun. Some feel that diluted the focus of Memorial Day, and in their own form of legacy are making efforts to restore it to its original date.

Another Memorial Day related legacy resulted from the effort of Moina Michael. In 1915, she was inspired by a poem, and conceived the idea to wear red poppies on Memorial day in honor of those who died serving the nation during war. She wore the very first one and raised money selling poppies to benefit servicemen in need. The tradition spread with the simple creation of a simple artifact – artificial red poppies – sold to support war orphaned children and widows in France and Belgium. Later, just before Memorial Day in 1922 the Veterans of Foreign Wars began selling the artificial poppies nationally. Two years later this developed into a program to sell artificial poppies made by disabled veterans, an effort that continues today in VA Hospitals.

In another form of legacy, an organization called No Greater Love began a campaign in 1997 to create the National Moment of Remembrance. It encourages Americans to take a few brief moments from sale shopping, barbecue gatherings, and other festivities at 3 pm local time, to focus gratitude toward the patriots honored, and remember the real meaning of the holiday. These efforts by the NGL organization – formed as a nonprofit in 1971 to provide annual programs of friendship and care for those who lost a loved one in service to our country – resulted in a Congressional resolution passed in 2000.

You can support and participate in these legacies through buying and wearing a poppy, and stopping for a moment of silent thanks each Memorial Day. Work something into the plans you are making now. 

My family’s remembrance always includes an outdoor barbecue with friends, as it was the first U.S. holiday my parents celebrated after their post-WWII immigration from Eastern Europe to seek citizenship here. The bravery of those who helped them make their way through war-torn Poland and Lithuania, slave labor in Germany, and work in the resettlement camps there before reaching the freedom to live and work here, is something we always remember … and celebrate gratefully. Each person’s brave acts of contribution toward that end is a legacy in itself – allowing me to be here writing this today, and to experience of working with you.

Great legacies are often born from needs first identified through challenges and difficulties – sometimes even a mistake. An effort to make something better turns into an expanded mission and some sort of business-like structure to carry it forward.

What do you see that needs doing? How would you go about starting? Who else would you involve and what structure might it take? And, as you contemplate Memorial Day, how will you make an impact in this world in an enduring way … so it is memorable and positively affects many? 

These are all questions we can help you answer, and with those answers help you create something beneficial for which you can feel personally proud and satisfied.  And we’d love to do that!

The Who and The What of Legacy

The term legacy most often generates thoughts of “what.”  Some tangible thing produced and left behind.  I agree that some form of asset or artifact can be very much a part of your legacy.  But more important is the “who” behind the “what.”  That’s what makes the “what” what it is!

To me, legacy is about equal parts of “beingness” and “doingness.”  What is unique about you – who and what you love, what bothers and delights you? What are your “IVANMAERS”?

The term is an abbreviation for your interests, values, abilities, natural style, motivations, activities, environments, realities and stressors.  Can you begin to clearly identify these aspects of yourself?

Knowing what they are allows you to fully appreciate your individual gifts – the ones only you can contribute in your individual way, based on the unique design of your DNA and your life circumstances.  It makes you a true power to rekon with – not in the “win, kill and conquer” sense, but in the magnificent ability to “do” that only you possess.

“A bird sings not because it has an answer, but because it has a song.”
– Chinese proverb

From that perspective, there is no competition, there is only you and what you came here capable of doing.  Will you discover yourself and do it?

And The Winner Is …

As we venture into the new year 2010, various media provide us with run-downs, top 10’s, count-downs, etc. of the most notable events of the past year.  My favorite was contained in an electronic greeting card I received from Kate Klaus Kelly, a delightful virtual assistant I’ve had the pleasure to work with this past year.  Here’s the link:  http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=505648072&m=9050&rr=y&source=ag999 

In fact, Kate is the overall winner this past year in the greeting card category, getting all three major year end events spot on in my book (Christmas, my birthday and the New Year greeting) – timely, and in absolutely hilarious form, each one.  They were so fun, I just had to share them all.  (Didn’t know American Greetings had it in ‘em …!!)  Here are the other two  for you to enjoy as well:

My birthday greeting : http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=504979802&m=9050&rr=y&source=ag999

Christmas (the best by far):  http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=504563311&m=9050&rr=y&source=ag999 

Wish you had been so cleverly funny, too, don’t you?  (THANKS KATE!)

May you all have a meaningfully fulfilled and – especially – an incredibly enjoyable new year!

Being The Best You Can Be

The legacy that your life is and will become is impacted by whether or not you are at your best.  Because creating and building anything all starts with who you are.   And who you are is directly impacted by how you are.

Do a personal systems check:  are you drained or are you energized and really ready to tackle whatever’s next?  How resilient are you and able to bounce back in general?  Do you find yourself often fatigued or are you mostly excited about life? This matters because on the journey of building something, as on the road of life itself, there may be apparent road blocks and set backs.

Sometimes, these are blessings in disguise if we can step back and thoughtfully respond to them – rather than react in knee-jerk fashion.  But being able to roll with such obstacles and develop other awarenesses about why they are happening and what to do about them, requires that we exercise extreme self-care.  Put your oxygen mask on first, as they say on the airplane, and then assist others around you.

I’m a nose-to-the-grindstone type of person – especially when it comes to doing things I really love and am interested in.  I like to dig in and keep going.  Fortunately, since I run my own business, it’s only internal forces compelling me to work hard, but there is never a shortage of things to attend to.  I need to remind myself to back away and rest.  It’s one of the reasons I choose to live and spend time in beautiful outdoor spaces that I find are rejuvenating.

So what’s your daily self-care ritual?  Turns out even the best of them can be maximized. British researchers recently demonstrated how even mental exhaustion can prevent you from being the best you can be. Their research concluded that being mentally exhausted can impair a person’s exercise performance.  This finding may help explain why even though we healthily get to working out, it is sometimes harder or we want to quit earlier.

It might benefit you to add the word “HALT” to your self-care focus.  When things are getting a little shaky or rocky on life’s journey, ask: am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  One of them usually covers the situation.  This is not the time to keep pushing yourself.  And an awareness of which one of these little factors is at work allows you to back off from what you’re doing, and know what you need to do next.  It’s probably to let go of what you’re wrestling with and either eat, spend a few minutes writing about something, call a friend or take a little nap.

The world is counting on you to be the best you can be so you can joyfully give your best gifts.  Start by giving the world, and yourself, the gift of regular self-care – even if all that looks like is to ‘halt’ periodically and assess what you really need to do next.